When it rains… it pours…

On the eve.. now morning, of my husband’s surgery.. of course.. I can’t really sleep.  On the cusp of tears, my heart feels so fearfully open….

It was 3+ years ago when I met Jason.  At that time, I don’t remember seeing any lump or bump on his face besides the cute nose on his handsome face.  When we began to date, I noticed a small bump under his ear on the side of his face.  I expressed concern, so being that he had to impress me… he went and had it checked out.  A cyst.  Normal and fine.. just a hard lump under his skin.  It’s been 3 years and that cyst has grown noticeably.  I wonder if it’s from having rubbed headphones on it for 10+ years?  No idea.

Anyway, he’s having it removed in a little over 4 hours.. my concerns, besides having them open it up to see that it’s wrapped around a nerve or that it’ll affect his hearing or that half his face might become paralyzed due to an incorrect surgical slight hand movement or somehow his ear won’t attach to his head properly… we’ve learned that our insurance doesn’t cover a lot of it.

We have been setting debt payment guidelines all year, having successfully met the first one this past November, we have just saved enough to pay the 2nd one off this month… unfortunately.. it may all go to this surgery.. and that feeling of defeat or fail is very deep for me.  I thought it’d be normal for me to freak out and do something crazy drastic like.. sell my soul to a company that pays me more money but hate.. or yell at God asking why He doesn’t love me.. but instead this thought:

…. when it rains, it pours.

..a tagline that has always been used to describe an “awful” or “horrible” scenario.  The downpour of one bad thing after another.. “when it rains.. it pours..”  But what if we changed our perspective of this known negative line and added the element of location?  We say this line.. but we never stop to think WHERE it might be pouring.  We just think.. “oh crap.. it’s not just raining.. it’s pouring.. and fml right now.”  But it dawned on me.. If I am the desert.. rain is good.. but POURING RAIN would give me life!!

The most beautiful part of this (beside the awesome LA night sky tonight — which was a deep purple with the ever so slight pink of wispy clouds faded in) is this pouring rain could be what I need.

So here I am.  Open.  Trusting.  I’ve been feeling the rain.  Now I want it to pour.

I want to believe in the good this rain has and hold onto the hope that I will see a miracle…. whatever that looks like.

When has life sprung up after a thunderstorm for you?

 

The End: Fruits, Nuts, Veggies & Berries

Helen, you are SO right!  Serious gastro intestinal drama!  Not exciting at all.   But I was thinking.. “maybe this is the ‘cleanse’ part?”  Besides having to cook so much, the worst part is that I totally got sick.. see how nasty I look:

Anyway, I can clearly remember one thing I wanted most during this fast… bread.  I don’t think we realize how much we rely on something until we go without it.  Which did give me this great reveal that Jesus, also known as the “bread of life”, is something I need daily.  And not just like, “Oh Jesus I need you daily”.. but like “Oh Jesus I need you with my pasta!”… meaning.. paired with every other dish in my day.. of my life.  He is essential to my living and health.  And if not that.. at least I will be filled.  Full.

Jason wants to continue the fast.  We’ll see how well that goes since If I cook.. It won’t be vegetarian.

 

day 2: Fruits, Nuts, Veggies & Berries

Watching myself I’m wondering if I am getting slower.. like my brain seems less sharp?  Or maybe my body’s too busy trying to digest and figure out what this good stuff is that I’m putting in.  I guess I’ve always just gotten away with eating whatever I wanted because I’m skinny, but I think it’s clear I’m quite unhealthy on the inside.  Also, I’m noticing that I am a bit itchy.. I think I have allergies.  HAHAHA!  It’s funny that it’s taken 30 days for my body to detox of all the coffee I intake.

 

Fruits, Nuts, Veggies & Berries

Part of my RE40FY , 40 day refocus and purpose seek time with yoga includes this 4 day Daniel fast..

I’m mostly nervous because I really like artificial sweetners, chemicals, and animals.. to eat..  AND I think it’s just a new routine to incorporate.  I almost never make smoothies.. ok, I don’t know that I’ve EVER made a smoothie for myself before today.  All the meals will have to be adjusted from what I’m familiar with (when it comes to cooking).  So part of it is the daunting “inconvenience” aspect.. which may or may not be that inconvenient.  We’ll see.

 

Renée’s “Thursday’s the new Friday” Weekly Style Post BAM! (TNF.WSP.BAM!)

Dare I say it?  I think tie-dye is back.

It feels like just yesterday when tie dye, psychedelic print (including florals), and an oversized shirt that only came to your waist were.. well… in… paired with spandex leggings of course.  I’ve seen more and more funky pastel and soft earth tone coming in and I’m not entirely afraid to say that a coral colored tie-dyed tank under a cream-colored, comfortable (but loose) fitted tunic would be cute with some skinny jeans and maybe those worn in biker boots.  This seems to be a great transition look from winter to spring.  Throw a scarf around your neck to boost not just style (accessorize!!) but to stay warm (since I know not everyone has the luxury of living in mediterranean climate like us Los Angelenos )

Another popular item is the legging that looks like denim.  One brand denimocracy, makes comfortable and reasonably priced leggings that look like denim.  They also make denim, BUT I’m talking about their legging denims.. HahA.  I remember I used to wear these when I was 10.  My mom brought them back from China.  Leggings/tights that looked like jeans.  I remember thinking.. “MAN! THESE ARE SO TACKY!!”… but now that I see them in normal colors… (sorry mom.. red jeans are not that cute.. especially when they are not even jeans… ) and with cool textures to it.. I think “Alright!  Way to think outside the box!

I like these ones because they have a wax coating on the outside making them look really snazzy.

These have the acid wash look to it.. adding to our psychedelic/nirvana couturesque theme.. (yes.. I made that term up.. cuz if you knew the nirvana days.. you wouldn’t be wearing trendy leggings and pairing it was loose-fitting slub or tunic tops (hence the nod to “couture”.. not true couture.. just fashionable in the sense).. I mean, it’d just be one giant man shirt tie-dyed with some baggy jeans fitting above some flannel boxer that, of course, have to show.)  Ugh! Gross.  I can’t believe I WORE that!

ANYWAY!  Moving forward.  To top off the look, I’d like to add a necklace.

The multi-chain look is really in.  You can go all chain links to make the style edge more hard.. or have gems or pearls to soften up the rocker look, adding some chic (which I like).  Length depends on the outfit.  Recently a friend informed me about the rule of 5 for accessorizing.  It’s simple.  Try to add 5 accessory items to your outfit.  Belt, hat, necklace, earrings, headband, chain, bracelet, wristband, scarf….  I think this is a great idea because it brings the level of your outfit and style up a few notches PLUS it can make you ready for any occasion.  BUT.. of course, since most of us are still hibernating.. it’s ok to keep it simple.  Even if that means no accessories… well.. at least a bracelet?  Earrings?  Just one thing?  We can’t let ourselves COMPLETELY GO just cuz it’s winter.

That’s it.  Men.. keep on with your t-s and jeans.  If you want to spice it up, add a nicely fitted flannel print button up… buttoned up.

Maybe not these colors per se.  I think shades of gray are safe with 1 soft accent color.  Red has been very popular.. and light blue a close second.  OR you can just go with a solid color, though I want to encourage you to walk a little on the wild side and go with a print!  You’d be surprised how it changes your vibe.

Well.  Enjoy!  Until my next (not so weekly) Weekly Style Post.  Ciao.

pictures taken for illustrative purposed only  from www.metroparkusa.com, www.lovemomijii.com, and photobucket.

 

Reflections of the last ten

As we start a new decade, I can’t help but stop to take a moment to reflect on the past 10 years.

• It was in my second year of college that I thought I had met “him”.  For the 2nd time… but then we broke up a few years later.
• We formed the “Ugly Girl” crew and thought we ran that town.
• Started up WWUHHDT and dance took on a new form in my life.
• Of course we have to mention the pageants.  HAHAA.  Because that was when I met one of my best friends.
• Actually, around that time I met most the people who eventually became my best friends.. Ro, Kenny, Yen..
• Jenni got married.
• Of course I graduated from the University and moved to LA but in between 2002-2004 we had a rip roaring party.
• A fast life of fast boys and late night escapades with good friends… it was the good life… good eats, great stories, tantilizing conversation and of course.. friendster.
• Then my best friend and I hopped in the car and drove down to LA – everything changed.
• Without the things that made my life feel full, I realized on at the ground level I was quite empty.
• Tried to claw and cling onto things that could resemble that past life, but it left me more desperate than ever.
• The people I called friends betrayed me…
• Dance became less and I had nothing but cigarettes and cups of coffee.
• Brokenhearted I searched for something real.
• Found Mosaic and began my road to recovery amidst massive shifting of ice… that was 2004.
• 2004-2006 Uncovered ugly truths and came to forgive many things.  Moved forward in the best ways I knew how and enjoyed the beach everyday.
• Travelled China and Sanya with Helen.
• Started to dance again.. this time for fun.. through Mosaic.
• Read through life changing material: Captivating, James, Ephesians..
• Kenny got married.
• Met a cute DJ who ignored me for 9 more months.
• Drove an A4 6 speed with Quattro S-Line Dolphin Gray Audi.  *drool*
• Travelled Europe with Helen.. UK, Sevilla, Granada, Barcelona, Milan, Ios, Greece, Santorini, Paris, Normandy…
• September 2006 was a highlight: I finally got to a place of reconciliation with myself and others.  With my pain and placement.. I felt like myself again.
• Expecting nothing.. I found Kira..
• Next: Jason.
• The next near 2 years things looked up (though if you really looked at it.. circumstantially things were quite down with employment and direction and desires … but I had community.. and people who really cared about me intricately who were woven into my daily.)  I’d say they were my floaties.. The 204 boys.. Jason.. Kira..
• Travelled to Johannesburg and Capetown, South Africa.
• January 2008: Engagement.
• Kristen and I grow closer.
• March 2008: Fell and couldn’t walk for a month.
• July 2008: Married.
• Travelled to Beijing for the 2008 Olympics and visited Helen in Hong Kong.
• Catan!!
• Made new friends and created new space for friendship, community, love and support..
• Kept some really great friends.. lost a few.. mainly one really important one.
• Travelled to Edinburgh, Scotland in 2009 for Fringe Festival.
• Yen got married.. Ro had his ins and outs.. and know the 3 of us are still close.  I am so thankful for the friendships that survived.. and of course I mourn the ones that faded into the background.
• Now.. Helen’s engaged.  Yen to have wedding celebration.  I’m doing yoga.

This next decade is looking pretty good to me.  After all.. isn’t 30 the new 20?

 

XMAS COLOGNE

This is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in awhile.  Maybe it’s because I know the people in it and share their humor.  Either way.. I wanted to share it with you because it gives me so much JOY!  So please.. enjoy!  Get your cookies and milk.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

 

Renée’s “Thursday’s the new Friday” (on Wednesday) Weekly Style Post BAM! (TNF.WSP.BAM!)

Today’s blog will be focused on the t-shirt (GUYS)!!  Typically, it’s much harder to style a woman because we have to consider body shape, size, personal style, fashion styles, and then accessories.  Men, besides fit… it just comes down to top and bottom.  HAHAH!  Which top and bottom depends on your own personal style and the details that make it flawless.  That’s why I’m here.  Not to tell you the fashion no-no’s, but to encourage you to find your style and then help you understand the less attractive choices you’re making and hopefully give you some good options for some great choices that will leave you looking and feeling fly!

Let’s talk fit!  When you try your t-shirts on, look for:

1. Where the seam hits you on the shoulder
2. Look to see if the fabric under your arms is collecting (folding over) or stretching (pulling)
3. Look at the fabric on your back above the latisssimus dorsi (or reach around your body like you’re hugging your self.. the spot you can touch on your back, near your armpit) to see if there is fabric there stretching or folding
4. Where the shirt sits length-wise.

The point is to have the shirt fit your body shape.  We can’t all be flat chested and washboard stomached so look to see if the t-shirt fits right around your body.  Good choices of slimming colors (darker).  Solid colors are great on everyone.. with a print of choice per style.  I’d be careful with horizontal stripes.  It should fit your body like an exoskeleton… but if your body is…. um.. on winter mode.. Feel free to pick shirts with prints that will be flattering, as well as cuts/colors that will assist in visually correcting some of our body proportions.

Overall consider your shoulders being like a coat hanger.  How you set your frame is based off the fit from the top, your shoulders and arms.  When shopping for shirts, go back to the 4 things too look for when thinking of fit… the rest of the shirt should follow suit naturally.

Get your shirt on!

 

Give me a cigarette

I have never understood why my friends would steal my pack and hide it from me, or get into huge arguments with me regarding my choice to smoke.  I’ve been clean for going on 3 years now, but before that, you could say that I consistently smoked for 11 plus years.  Ya.  That long.  I started when I was in the 7th grade.. and it went straight on through my clubbing years up to December 2005.  Quitting was the worst thing ever.  I felt like I was dying and I was mean to everyone for a month.  Ask my sister, I was traveling with her in China at the time.  (Which totally didn’t help cuz most Chinese people smoke.. It took a lot of restraint to not go up to them when feigning and force a kiss just to suck the smoke out of their lungs..)

sick kh, I know.

Fast forward to 2009, almost 2010.  It hasn’t been without much difficulty that I’ve abstained.  Anytime I am stressed or emotional, the first thing I want is a cigarette.  But I refrain.  I have to.  For me and for my loved ones.  I get it.

I got something else tonight.  I got why.  Why friends would fight me on smoking.  Why they’d hide my pack and oooh, I’d get furious because it was an infringement on my choice..  Ask any of my friends from back then.. there was nothing you could do.. I was addicted and when I wanted to smoke, I was going to.

Like someone I love today.  She wanted just a little bit of chocolate in her iced coffee.  She wanted just a taste of the dessert.  She wanted the truffle.  And he gave it to her.

She’s diabetic.

I feel so angry.  Why would you give someone you love an item their body cannot break down (or was not meant to break down).  Why!?!  As I was fuming and thinking about these feelings, I asked God to help me understand, and He reminded me of all the times my friends tried to persuade me from that cancer stick.  It’s just like that.  I understand why they were so mad when I chose what I did.  It was an item that hurt me.. and because they loved me, in turn it would hurt them.

At this point, I understand.  I am thankful for the friends who let me choose, but also voiced their concern and never helped push my addiction or force me from it.  BUT, if I had cancer.. would you give me a cigarette if I asked for one?  Probably not.  You’d tell me how it won’t help me in the fight against cancer, and if I persisted, I’m sure you wouldn’t stop me, but you wouldn’t make it easy for me to obtain or get it for me either.

And now, the dilemma.  I am so frustrated about the whole diabetic-”snacking”-on-sweets-and-the-ninny-head-that-keeps-tightening-the-noose-by-giving-her-kryptonite….  I don’t know what to say or do.  I asked him if he loved her why he would bring her something that was bad for her, he said she asked for it.  I then tried to make a parallel to help him understand the urgency of the situation by saying, “if she had asked for acid in a cup would you bring it to her..” and he answered,

“I’d ask her if she wanted it with a straw or with ice…”

I know, intended to be funny, but if anything, it made me more upset.. and in this time.. I get it.  I finally understand why some people were so adamant about REFUSING my smokes.  They cared about me.

So what do I do now?

 

GANDALF NOOOOOOOO!!!

You know what this life sometimes reminds me of? Lord of the Rings! When the dark lord Sauran was unleashing darkness on middle earth and planning to kill off men.. all men… and was going to attack Gondor.. Then Aragorn asks King Theodan of Rohan to go to Gondor’s aid, but they refused because they felt Gondor didn’t come to their aid when they needed it..

The crazy part was that Rohan needed to go to Gondor.. not because it was Rohan vs. Gondor.. but MEN vs. evil.

I think sometimes we forget we are on the same side.