Expectation – from the fruit?

I’ve decided that one of the things I hate most are expectations.  Those that I have for others.. and those that others have for me (or others).

Expectation means, among many things, anticipating, with confidence, fulfillment.  Hoping that something goes the way that will be most fulfilling to you (since it’s your expectation) is not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad part is when and if the promised or hoped for result is NOT fulfilling.. how you think or respond to that.

This is why I titled this entry, “Expectation – from the fruit?”  It seems to me that after our expectations are not met, we can justify it because we have a set of guidelines for what result we’ve decided WOULD have been acceptable.  What you felt is good or right.  And since we live in a world of many dualities (life or death, good or evil, right or wrong, left or right).. I think that perhaps “expectation” was something we gained when Eve bit into the fruit and the “fall of man” ensued.

I think there was a simplicity before that bite.  A trust, that whatever happened is what should happen and that it was good.  Which is how I think God might have wanted it.  Incorrupted minds that did not know to doubt intention and did not know to expect a return of some sort.  Unconditional hope without expectancy.

Doubt.  Acting judgmentally out of not receiving personal fulfillment in expecting. Knowledge of ideas.. what we think should and shouldn’t be.  To know the difference.  We have become conditioned by chains made of wood.

 

Fighter

I make war.  I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to get away from the fact that I am more a fighter than a lover.  This makes me feel so sad that I am this way — rather.. the world makes me feel like I should not be this way.. which makes me feel abnormal.. which leads to the sadness.. so I try to correct it by doing what any normal human being would do.. go back to analyze possibilities of why this is so.  *sigh*

MY TRUTH – I have always had to fight:

• For my freedom (in a very controlling home environment)
• For my independence (being 1 of 3.. and not just the first or baby.. the annoying one in the middle that ends up feeling neither important nor special but just someone who is in the way.)
• To prove my value or worth
• To protect myself because I didn’t have anyone else who did this for me (i.e. no father or big protector role in the house growing up or whatnot — did you know I was a bully?  Yup.. I bullied people in middle school. — then I got punched in the chest. I deserved it.)
• To be understood
• To be heard
• For my rights — and especially if I am right (in my idea of what I think is right and have thus felt wronged)
• To feel unhurt – setting up prevention systems within myself to reject before rejected
• To be 3 steps ahead as to not be told I was slow or dumb or didn’t get it or be called lazy… 3 steps ahead to avoid “trouble” (some people call this action “eggshells” .. yea.. that happened a lot in my house).  To be left fending without a defense ready.
• For what is mine

So now I am 29.  I have learned to fight fight fight.  I have a sense of injustice and it’s associated to my own discernment/idea of value(s).. and what I am finding is that very few (VERY FEW) function in the same method.  So where does this leave me?  Feeling very misunderstood.. and dare I say .. alone.

There is no use denying that I have at one time  or another completely rubbed you wrong. (you, as in anyone who I have EVER interacted with..)  I doubt there is even ONE person who has not experienced an offense from me.. or a moment where they felt hurt, shocked or rubbed wrong.  If not.. then you have not been around me long enough.

Maybe I am not as bad as I think.  Eitherway.. right now, I feel pretty bad.. I’m not looking for affirmation as I am processing and venting.  But what I DO know is that I CAN be quite the lover (which many of you have also experienced)… I just wish I was more that than the fighter I’ve become and am often.  Can I even undo what has been done?  Do I want to even invest that energy?  I think being a fighter can be good a lot of times though.  You make certain that things are fair.. that people are protected.. that justice and equality are served (to my idea of those, that is), that I am NOT duped or taken advantage of…

Anyway.. with all this said.. I do think that I have come to one conclusion – because I have felt that I had to or needed to fight:

• I became a greedy person
• I became a defensive person
• I became a person who does not trust others
• I became a selfish person

Not knowing when fighting was necessary.. but fighting so I would always have ammunition to free myself, protect myself, justify my value..

• so I would feel heard
• so I could feel right
• so I could feel less helpless
• So I could feel less judged
• So I could feel less like less (of lessor value)
• So I could survive and breakdown less.

I broke down a lot as a kid and felt so weak.. I was made fun of for being “sensitive” (among MANY other things)… so the “strength” I developed was nothing but armor.  I don’t really cry now.. you can’t really break me.. (unless you were someone who was already inside before I built all that armor.. then you have access to my underbelly).  However which way, I am almost always prepared with swordlike tongue and lightening fast mind to subdue or counter attack to fight for all of the above.  At this point.. I don’t know how to choose love over war.

Not gonna lie, I think I have a fear of being a lover.  Because by nature.. in love, vulnerability is inevitable.  It is necessary and a must.  I have been left helpless and bared naked – torn down, but not built back up – left as rubble by “love”.  I did develop that “victim” mentality for a long time.. of course I’m better now, but still.. everything in my life was a rubble mess.. torn down buildings.. unrebuilt through real love, affirmation, encouragement, time, patience, apology.. acceptance.  I just wanted someone to be on my team, go to bat for me, and most importantly.. Believe me as well as believe IN me.  And since I did not have that.. I fought for myself.

I fought to survive.

…. and this is what I know.. I’m afraid I’ll get left out in the elements to fend for myself again and forever if I don’t stand to fight.  I have, afterall, made it this far… Am I treading on an idea from the truths that embrace duality of humanity?

Are you a lover or a fighter?

 

The talent I have

It never ceases to amaze me.  The moments where I realize I have access to the most amazing of talent.  This may not make any sense, but bear with me.  I’m part of a dance ministry under Urban Poets at Mosaic.  As I am one of the dancers, I am also one that gets to create some of the pieces.  The difficult thing is that I prefer to choreograph contemporary style… and I am not technically trained and primarily dance (6 years ago) hip hop myself, so you could see the confusion.  How does a hip hop dancer create technical and contemporary pieces?  I don’t know the lingo.. I don’t know what sort of movement exists in that world.  I just know what I see in my head when I hear certain music.

This Sunday will be the 3rd dramatic piece I’ve been able to create for a Sunday gathering.. it was during our first rehearsal this week, as I was looking my lead dancer in the face that I realized.. man.. I am SO blessed.  She is one of many talents I have available to me for the blessing of others.  I have had the honor of working with greats like Kristen Oei (dance captain for Wicked SF, Aida, We Will Rock You), Jacob Patrick (Miley Cyrus), Mike Tyus (Kooza – Cirque du Soleil, Spotlight), Patrick De Los Reyes (Skyline), Phillip Attmore (So You Think You Can Dance, Fosse, White Christmas…) and the great Alan Luu.  It is with them and their abilities that I can do what I do at all! It was so incredibly humbling and really…  I am so grateful that people like these (among many others who have), step up and are willing to show their talent and let me mold their movement to create beautiful stories.

I truly believe that dance is one of the deepest ways to tell a story at the soul level.  Something about the movement, the music, the emotion that touches our souls is in part due to the idea our spirit moves in dance form (this is not fact.. just my suspicion).  So I look forward to this Sunday where yet again I get to work with Morgan Carroll and new comer Kayla Bingham in telling a story about hiding behind a smile midst pain.  I only need say, “hey.. can you do something that looks like this? .. (then I proceed to give an awkward example of a combo I sorta see in my head, using terms I have heard that may or may not be the correct name of movement)”.. and they say.. “oh like this”.. and perfectly execute what I imagined.  It’s like seeing my dreams come to life in front of my eyes.

Or even before I ask.. their creative prowess in experimenting with what they are feeling inside is exactly what the dance needs.  It’s really a collective creating process and so inspirational. I mean, not just the dancers.. but the behind the scenes people too.. I can’t put together these pieces without people like Rey Munda, Stacey Carr, Lisa Jaskilka, Alan Luu… they are like ninjas.. they can get me what I need as well as know what to do without me asking.. I seriously should get zero credit for just being the director… they ARE the pieces.  Wow.  I wish you could be me in those moments.  ..Ah… through the talent I have..

…I get to see glimpses of God.

The Gauntlet – Staircase Dance

Falling Slowly Dance

If you are in the Los Angeles area this weekend, I’d like to invite you to come to any of the 3 Mosaic gatherings this Sunday.  Our dance “Behind the Smile” is for you.

9:15am Pasadena (William Carey University)

11:15am Beverly Hills (Beverly Hills High School)

7:00pm Downtown Los Angeles (Mayan Nightclub)

 

whooo amazing moms.

I just finished prepping, cooking, cleaning and washing a sink full of dishes.  Normally Jason is here to help me, but today I’m by myself — it took me an hour and a half to prep dinner, finally get it all in the oven, then clean up the cooking mess as well as all the dishes.  I thought — whew.. once in awhile is ok.. but then I thought about my mom.. she did this EVERY day for the 3 of us (my 2 sisters and I) for over 20 years.  I think I would go crazy.  I never thought about it, but all that time when my mom got home from work with groceries ready to cook dinner.. as she was prepping and cooking, I’d be practicing piano or playing — and if I was practicing piano.. I practiced for an hour every day.. and so — she did this.  Worked.. shopped.. prepped.. washed dishes.. cooked.. then washed more dishes.

Wow.  Thanks mom.

 

Renée’s “Thursday’s the new Friday” Weekly Style Post BAM! (TNF.WSP.BAM!)

My friend Jocelyn recently started a fashion blog and I thought, “what a great idea!”  People have commented on my fashion style and asked me for fashion tips for years.  The last few years I started image consulting on the side as a hobby and even spoke at a conference specifically on personal styling.  It was fun and definitely something I enjoy!  So I figured since it’s an interest of mine, I should incorporate a similar posting on my blog as well!  Thanks Joce.  SO starting today I will do a once a week — maybe turned once a month (ahAHAh) fashion post called “Thursday’s the new Friday Weekly Style Post BAM” — longest name EVER! ~~ and totally necessary. (TNF.WSP.BAM!)

Currently I am the lead style consultant at a boutique style clothing store and already I have developed a small clientele of people who I dress for photo shoots, events, or just daily wear.  My favorite thing is dressing people… taking their own personal style and adding just a little bit of risk by using trends — either ones current (learned through place of work), or ones I made up.

I like to push people outside their comfort zone, and the result is a more confident person who likes how they look!  This is very rewarding for me.. and of course I am thankful I work in an industry where I get to see new items come up and hear of trends that are popular.  All in all, it gives me more and more ideas to create space for people to love their skin — so to speak.  So enough talky talk.. let’s talk FASHION!  I will highlight 1-2 trends each post as well as “must have” items.  AND since I just recently took over the accessories department at my store you’ll most likely get to see ACCESSORIES!!!! I LOVE ACCESSORIES!!!  It makes the look seriously.  So here I go:

** SORRY FOR THE FORMAT — I haven’t figured out how to make the page look the way I want.. but I will have to figure that out later.. I’ll re-format it later **

Trend(s) of the week:

The “High/Low” also known as the “Mash-up”

Womens ~ pairing a more dressy item with a more casual item – mismatched and bold.  For example: (the very popular fall) sequin tank under a slubby shirt or sweater (– slubby — oversized top (often off the shoulder <3 love love love these!!)) Either skinny jeans or leggings (distressed is good too!)

Mens ~ pairing a fitted v-neck or fitted shirt with a nicer other item (such as a understated yet stylish vest) with fitted denim of a darker wash.

This look doesn’t really need an accessory in my opinion.  Its supposed to be quite casual, but dressed up at the same time.  If anything I’d add a chain to my denim (or ladies, leggings – yes.. a belted chain.. however a GREAT purse is always a good idea.. for this look, I’d say an oversized one.) Mens, think simple jewelry but unique.

MUST HAVES:

ACCESSORIES

(ladies)

~ The rocker chic look ~ a mash-up item where you get hardcore looking with pretty and classy.

~ the slub shirt

(mens)

~ some sort of unique or preferred style o’ rosary

~ fitted denim.. PLEASE!!

OUTERWEAR!!! Get it!  It’s fall/winter.. it’s great for layer as well as repeated wear without offending.

mens: pleather leather, bomber jacket, a bit shiny or wax coated

womens: military stylish, peacoat, blazer with hoodie mash-up piece

(items from MetroparkUSA, Forever21, the Gap, Obey, & seen on various online style websites such as www.outblush.com, www.shopzilla.com, www.80spurple.com, and www.shopstyle.com)

WHEW, that was a lot of work.  I hope you enjoyed!  It’s bed time for me now!

 

You know me

You know my name
You know my story
Still you’ve taken on the world
Just for me
I am amazed that you hear me speaking
You listen close to every word I say
Who am I to be loved this way?
You know my name

If I rise, if I fall
My only hope is this
That you’d be with me everyday
Who am I to be loved this way?

Words from Detour 180’s song “You Know My Name”… I heard it on the way home today and I felt it super appropriate.  I’m sort of in this crossroad and it hasn’t been the most “fun” so to speak.. but I was thinking today how blessed I am by amazing friends.. people who encourage me.. and speak truth into my life and love me regardless my disposition (or attitude) — then I heard these words… “you know my name.. you know my story…” and I thought of my friends.. my God.. all the things circling me right now keeping me afloat.. and I felt so humbled.. “who am I to be loved this way?”… and I just felt so blessed.

Regardless of what happens.. I am known.. I am important.. This is so crucial since I live in LA where none of these things can be felt.  And evenmoreso as I go running into an industry where this is the air breathed… I am not alone.

Here I go.

 

Good Morning to ugly

“Anna! ANNA! I’m with your boyfriend” A heavy accented man’s voice screamed in my ear.

“You’ve got the wrong number.  This is not Anna.” I sleepily replied

“WHAT?! ANNA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“THIS IS NOT ANNA!! YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!” I stated hanging up. He called back.. I ignored it.

good morning to ugly… alas.. the monster has not only been stirred, but woken from slumber… which on uncomfortable nights like this only lead to  – just brutal unlovely yuck.

To my mind swirls my world of nasty and I tried to suppress the vomit, but yet, here I am writing… sleepless.  Perhaps if I get it on a page and out of my mind, I can rejoin my husband (who’s sleep seems always wonderful):

1) Let’s not pretend that you and I should be in each other’s lives… you cannot say to me that your schedule is booked, then in front of me say to the next person “what day… any day.. any time..” you’ve outed yourself and my standing – which leads me to what I’ve done to you. Filling my schedule with people I prefer to see.. who for which I can do my best to make time… and at the end of the week beginning there are no more availabilities?.. you get pushed.  It’s not personal.. it’s preference.. and now in a sleepy stupor of honestly mean clarity I say certain that perhaps now is not a good time for an “us”… so let’s stop trying to pretend we’re that important to our survival of the daily necessities.  I don’t play that game.. and I won’t anymore.  Originally I felt responsible.. but I can see that that responsibility has been moved and many other systems have been placed (Thank GOD) – so I can walk away freely knowing you will be fine.

2) This too will pass.. this too will end.  Watch.  Tell me again all the ways of how I don’t fit the bill or how I have failed and I promise you.. I’ll give you what you want… and if you didn’t mean it?  While you learn to talk.. you will still get what you’ve “asked” for. Reversal is not a side effect to a kindness I don’t possess.. I only move forward now this far in the book — and since I can see it’s quite the “choose your own adventure” dead-end.. chips are stacked against you and chances are.. I’ve read ahead and already know which other path to take.  I’m on page 43 in a 100 page book.. what are you going to do?

3) I don’t care how I was raised or how f*’d up I am.  I’ll chalk it up as lose-lose so that I can win win!  She didn’t know what she was doing.. and neither did I.  If I am truly honest… we all have room for improvement and maybe that is what I should focus on.. what I can do to make it better — if worthwhile… which unlike the above 2.. this IS.  So I am ok to turn the other cheek on this one.  I will stand against the beating wind – she’s more important than me.  You think you’re more important than her.  You want grace that wreaks of cheap beer thinking you’re worth the top shelf.  With that mindset, you’re honestly just muddy water.. WHICH in the right environment (attitude and heart) is what a beautiful garden needs for nourishment.   But from what I see (which is just a perspective.. possibly wrong and definitely from a place of judgement on this no holds bar night) .. is not the true surroundings.  But if a cat truly believes it’s a dog.. you just have to let her be.

God, on this night of ugly reveal – you know me.  Thank you for letting me be who I am without disdain.  I can’t always do that for others.  I’m unlike You.  Which makes me feel like I shouldn’t be in your posse.  But I guess you just keep telling me I belong the way that I am.  I’ve yet to see how actually.. look at these above thoughts… how can someone like me hang with Awesome like You?  I guess you were known to hang with thieves, fishermen, and selfish type.

I don’t get You.  But I guess that is ok.  I don’t really have to to know to know that I am loved and it’s ok for me to wake up ugly.  So how will this change Lord.  Please say by magic cuz my conscience is tired of conscientious behavior.  And.. apparently I’m not very good at it.  Still you daily remind me that You want nothing but to bless me — through amazing friends and a non-stop husband always seeking to serve me (which is so backwards in this culture).  I feel at a loss.. and though I’ve invested a mighty effort.. I still feel like I’m not moving fast enough to be worthy.

I perceive faults and mistakes like pan filtering for gold.. I catch every last nugget of seemingly valuable shit.  Why do I do this highly critical thing?  It’s more stank that cow methane and just about as appetizing.  Give me a remedy.  Since I can’t smoke anymore.. I guess I’m gonna go back to sleep.  Please let me know by dream.. but be easy on me – I’m not the brightest crayon in the box and definitely have a lemming spirit.  I need you.  Look at me… I’m a hott mess.. and hott as in Vegas heat meets China humidity.  Look out.  Nor’easter.  But I guess You made those too huh.  Damn.. I’m a confused contusion.  Aaauurrrgghhhhhhgurgle.

 

The difference between sick and SICK

I’m home sick. (This might be the 2nd time I’ve started a blog this way)… anyway.. home sick because I should be heading to work, but thankfully I was allowed to go in a little later.  We didn’t have coverage for me to take the whole day, but I’ll take a 5 hour shift instead of 8 on a day when I’m cracking ribs left and right.  Hey I’m skinny.  It’s not hard to do that when I have giant crushing coughs of air.

*sigh*  How do I begin to write what is on my mind?  Guys, my heart is heavy for a friend right now.  There are some sicknesses that come and go, but there are some that come to claim lives.  Having defeated and overcome cancer once, it has reappeared and at this point, looks like it will win.  With the decision to no longer treat or fight, it’s all in the hands of God.  Beyond what he’s physically going through, spiritually I think this experience has hardened his soul even further to acknowledging God’s hand.  I mean, how could you?  When something bad happens, we first blame God.  Because God is supposed to be good.. and by good.. some feel it should be closer to “whatever we want”.

How do you look into the face of death and know that it was made for good.  That your life is not your own and that flowers do grow from rocks. (Your life feeling quite rocky).  I don’t know.  I’ve been around this Christ guy a lot.. from observing, to believing, to following, to walking with, to relationship with and I still have the same questions, I think we all do.  If there is a God… then why all the suffering?  Why does He let bad things happen?  Why would He allow a mother to beat her children?  Why would He allow a mother or father to die a tragic death in front of their children’s eyes? WHY!?  That is just horrible pain that a loving God would shelter us from, right?

I know that these are questions we all ask.  And on a day where I’m merely (lower case) sick.. where I have the blessing of another day.. promise of recovery – after all, it’s just a cold.   But for the (uppercase) SICK… the next day and recovery may be entry into a world where your body is restored and there is no more pain… or that of regret, darkness, and gnashing of teeth.  That idea my friends… makes me sick.

 

Catching up…

Today I’m sick so I have time to go back and post all thethings I wanted to earlier but didn’t have time to.  First I’ll start with our trip back to Seattle.  Time with mom was great.

We ate all my favorite foods (which I later had a skin reaction to.. but that’s ok.. it was worth it!)

She also through a wedding party for Jason and I.  That was nice!  Dinner with her side of the family as well as others who had gifted us on our day of union last year.  So thankful.  It was an amazing time!

Check out hubby with the super asians:

Then there was Joshua and Amanda’s wedding!  It was epic to say the least..

We missed the Clayville family though… (their name cards).

But we enjoyed spending time with our other family:

Upon our return to LA we both went straight back to work.  I was blessed enough to have the next Saturday off (which is so extremely rare!)  Jason and I went straight to the Japanese American National Museum.  It was the day before the last day to view Mike Shinoda’s (Linkin Park) art gallery called “Glorious Excess (dies)”.  We had been wanting to see if since it opened… so thank God we got to catch it before it closed.

Jason and I standing in front of the exhibit.

Exhibit title

He talks about the empty souls that crave the “glorious excess” of life.. (targeting society’s obsession with celebrities and how celebrities draw or undraw from that limelight).  How that sort of lifestyle takes one into a place of self implosion and is left quite lonely.. death.

I absolutely love this one.. it shows the “hero”.. with the paparazzi in the back.. the Louis Vuitton mixed media printed.. it’s quite symbolic.

The soul looking at his former self.. an empty shell (skeleton).. alone.. no more glitz and glamour.

He has come to the end of himself in the muted tones.

It really was quite a beautiful exhibit.  Reminding us that the excess is fleeting and we have a greater responsibility to mankind.. Something that is more lasting.

Sorry the pics are all out of whack.. I don’t get why it won’t format the way I create it.. oh well.  You can figure it out.

 

Life as a love song

When I think of love songs, the first thing I think of are people professing their undying love for someone.  Comparing them to objects of beauty or their experience to something else.  Unreqited doting.

This morning Eric Bryant talked about our lives being love songs for God our Creator.  I immediately felt bad because if I’m honest (which I am choosing to be right now), I feel the music of my life isn’t necessarily what I stated in the above. In fact when I look at my life as a song, it sounds more like metal or scremo.   I just couldn’t imagine my life being doty or mushy or unconditionally loving to what is appropriate for a God at all.  I don’t always make the best choices, I’m definitely not always Christ-like, I don’t make lemonade out of lemons… I just get sour.. so how does that translate into anything lovely?

Lovely isn’t often a word used to describe me.  I get edgy, funky, funny.. bitchy.  But not lovely.  So.. wouldn’t that mean that my song is just that.. metal, scremo, ska?  I felt guilty like I was living my life wrong.

After the day has passed.. I think the idea of living our life as a love song to Jesus.. as a written melodic poem of gratitude for salvation is beautiful.. but we just need to understand what a love song actually is.

After thinking more about “life as love song” I realized some love songs depict tragedy, anger, bitterness, resentment, hurt, longing, are just plain dirty, gushy, hunger, desire… brokenness.  So if this is true.. I just have to keep on keepin’ on, cuz my song, in this case, is probably quite lovely.