On the eve.. now morning, of my husband’s surgery.. of course.. I can’t really sleep. On the cusp of tears, my heart feels so fearfully open….
It was 3+ years ago when I met Jason. At that time, I don’t remember seeing any lump or bump on his face besides the cute nose on his handsome face. When we began to date, I noticed a small bump under his ear on the side of his face. I expressed concern, so being that he had to impress me… he went and had it checked out. A cyst. Normal and fine.. just a hard lump under his skin. It’s been 3 years and that cyst has grown noticeably. I wonder if it’s from having rubbed headphones on it for 10+ years? No idea.
Anyway, he’s having it removed in a little over 4 hours.. my concerns, besides having them open it up to see that it’s wrapped around a nerve or that it’ll affect his hearing or that half his face might become paralyzed due to an incorrect surgical slight hand movement or somehow his ear won’t attach to his head properly… we’ve learned that our insurance doesn’t cover a lot of it.
We have been setting debt payment guidelines all year, having successfully met the first one this past November, we have just saved enough to pay the 2nd one off this month… unfortunately.. it may all go to this surgery.. and that feeling of defeat or fail is very deep for me. I thought it’d be normal for me to freak out and do something crazy drastic like.. sell my soul to a company that pays me more money but hate.. or yell at God asking why He doesn’t love me.. but instead this thought:
…. when it rains, it pours.
..a tagline that has always been used to describe an “awful” or “horrible” scenario. The downpour of one bad thing after another.. “when it rains.. it pours..” But what if we changed our perspective of this known negative line and added the element of location? We say this line.. but we never stop to think WHERE it might be pouring. We just think.. “oh crap.. it’s not just raining.. it’s pouring.. and fml right now.” But it dawned on me.. If I am the desert.. rain is good.. but POURING RAIN would give me life!!
The most beautiful part of this (beside the awesome LA night sky tonight — which was a deep purple with the ever so slight pink of wispy clouds faded in) is this pouring rain could be what I need.
So here I am. Open. Trusting. I’ve been feeling the rain. Now I want it to pour.
I want to believe in the good this rain has and hold onto the hope that I will see a miracle…. whatever that looks like.
When has life sprung up after a thunderstorm for you?











